What Took Me So Long?

When I finally made the decision to move to France and then finally got here six months later in August of 2024, I wondered why it took me so long. Well 18 months on from then I have had lots of time to contemplate this very question and while the answer is obviously complex and nuanced it is also the topic that I want to explore here in this months blog.

Everything was working, I had all of the things that everyone told me that I was supposed to want, good work, a wonderful family, a house in a beautiful city with great weather and the ability to go on regular vacations.

I have always been a bit of a gypsy at heart. When I started to date my beloved who would become my second husband, I told him that I wanted to be able to leave the borders of the US at least once a year and eventually I wanted to live in France. I said that I was more than willing to wait until the kids were all grown and out of the house but this was a life long dream for me and if he wasn’t onboard with that plan then I didn’t want to pursue the relationship further.

This was my commitment to France and to my dream but frankly I had had that same commitment since I was a child, why didn’t I do it after high school, or after college those were natural life thresholds that would have been opportunities for me to take the leap but why didn’t I?

The simplest answer is fear, the more complex answer is that at the time I was also surrounded by people who were afraid for me, who could not see this kind of a leap for themselves so they also could not see it for me and they were willing to make sure I understood this.

I was confronted with messages from my grandmother that I needed to follow the more “appropriate” and “practical” path, go to school, get an education, get married, start a family, the plan was laid out.

I also see now, several decades later how whenever I began to veer away from that path I was informed in no uncertain terms from the adults in my life that I needed to stay on the expected path. Don’t get me wrong, I am not blaming the adults in my life, after all they were trying to take care of me the best they knew how given their own experiences and the messages they had been given.

It wasn’t until in my late thirties when I developed an auto immune disorder did I finally look at myself in the mirror and realize that I was living in someone else’s life, the life that my grandparents and my parents expected me to have. But inside of me, my inner gypsy felt trapped in a cage of her own making and at the time any dream of France had disappeared far into the background.

It wasn’t until I prioritized my health, my well being, and began to give myself some of what I needed did I begin to feel alive again. Fast forward through a cross country move, a divorce and becoming an entrepreneur did I become more confident in this aliveness so I became less fearful that it would escape me.

Then in 2004 I had the opportunity to work abroad for a number of years, flying back and forth regularly. The proximity to France allowed exploration and a remembering of my dream, it was a time for me to reconnect to that seed that I had planted in my soul during my childhood. I began to water that seed through French classes and ensuring that all of my relationships were aligned with this plan for my future. It was my first, small step toward a commitment to that eventual leap. And yet it would still take me another 20 years to make it happen.

In 2024, having experienced the death of my beloved and the entry of my father into hospice, France once again reminded me of her subtle presence and it did not go unnoticed. The timing was uncanny. I talked to my father about it, in his last days and he was encouraging, “do it”, “follow your dream”, “don’t waste your time here”, he said. He told me that he had no regrets in his life, that he felt like he had done the things that he had wanted and he encouraged me to do the same.

Just a little less than a month after his passing when I found myself on a call with an immigration consultant and determined that I indeed had a viable path to moving to France. Not just moving there, I had a path to creating my company, to being able to continue my work. It was in this moment of realizing that all of the reasons that I had not gone yet…my children, my father, my husband, my work, etc., etc., etc., none of those reasons where there anymore. The universe had simply dropped in and presented me with a clear pathway to say, “YES” to my dream.

But could I? What if I failed? What if it didn’t work out?

In that moment, I could hear my Dad telling me to go, to say yes, to live the rest of my life fully. I knew that there was no way to have all of the answers, I knew that it may not work, I may fail but I also asked myself how I would feel on my own deathbed if I didn’t say yes? Would I regret it and I knew in my heart that I would absolutely regret it!

So in this moment, I knew I had a choiceless choice, meaning the choice was already made in my soul, I needed to say yes and take the leap despite the fear, despite not knowing if it would work, despite not having any assurances. I needed to say yes to myself.

This was my first lesson in confronting fear.

In Shamnism, fear is known as one of the 4 natural enemies. In the following paragraph from the book Cry of the Eagle by Théun Mares he describes the battle with the enemy of Fear:

“The only way to handle fear is to deliberately face it - to go with the fear and yet not to submit to it. To do this means that you must acknowledge your fear fully, and yet proceed with your task of learning, as if you are not afraid. If you do this, a moment will come when you realize that you have been handling your fear for so long that it no longer terrifies you. From that moment on you will be free from fear for the rest of your life. The realization of being free from fear comes in a flash of insight, but the process of vanquishing fear is a long nightmarish experience of exercising the will to stand firm no matter what may come.”

The day that I said yes, to moving to France I did so despite being fearful. When I arrived in France and each day was presented with scenarios with which I was unfamiliar. I had to participate, show up, figure it out, despite being afraid. Last March, at a low point when I had arrived in yet another new village to explore and had a sick puppy that I was worried about I realized that I knew the next step to do and that day after having followed those steps and getting Paolo the help he needed and successfully navigating it all in French I had that moment of realization that Théun refers to in that passage, I was no longer afraid of the things that come up in my life. I had a life that I was sure of but most of all, no matter what comes up I trust myself to be able to navigate it.

Be patient, it takes time but continuing to face your fears does allow you to become free from them when you least expect it.

Questions to ponder here

• What fears are holding you back from pursuing your dreams?
• Is there a small fear that you can walk through today?
• What are you avoiding in your life because you are afraid?

Subscribe & Share

If you enjoyed this blog post and would like it delivered to your inbox when it comes out, please subscribe. If you know someone who would enjoy my blog, I would appreciate it if you would share it.

Announcements

In case you have missed it, I have put together a video series on my You Tube channel @reneejenais where I am exploring the five stages of transformation. You can check out the first video here.

In Closing

I am off on a sailing adventure in a week or so, I am looking forward to meeting up with friends and exploring a new part of the Caribbean, I suspect that you will hear and see some of it either here next month or on my YouTube channel. In the meantime, take care of yourselves and I hope you experience nothing but kindness as you navigate your day.

In love,

Renee