Waiting Guarantees Disappointment

The other day I was sitting at one of the village cafes chatting with two friends when one friend began to talk about where she may want to live in the future in France, what area may suit her better. Her words transported me to a moment of observing my own life and the voice of my higher self dropped in and said these words that stopped me in my tracks.

“You are waiting again.”

And just like that a sneaky old pattern was revealed. You see I have a life long pattern of waiting, waiting for the right timing, waiting for someone else to do something or be ready, waiting until I have all the answers, waiting until success can be guaranteed.

I have done a ton of work these last few years on this particular pattern, heck, I even perhaps thought that I had it beat but here it was like a cold water splash to the face. I was waiting again.

Waiting is sneaky because it presents itself as being wise or prudent but if you aren’t careful it can also just be fear in disguise. I didn’t need to question this further, I knew that this particular waiting was exactly that, fear. Fear of getting it wrong, fear of failing.

I moved to my little village in Provence last July after traveling from place to place across France for almost a year and after being nomadic for several months prior to that as I prepared to leave the US. I was exhausted from suitcase living, packing and unpacking my car, reaching each new destination just to have to navigate everything all over again and of course leaving behind the connections that I had made along the way. When I landed here, I knew I just needed to stay and it has been a beautiful healing place for me since, I have built a home here, friends, routines, etc.

And yet, there are things that don’t quite fit, the winter still colder than I would have liked, the regular drives to Aix-en-Provence, Avignon or Marseille for a multitude of things becoming irritating that so many things that I like to have convenient are so far away.

And there is the fact that I am still working, I am still building, creating and am purpose driven. Being this way when I often find myself in groups of people who are retired and slowing down often leaves me feeling like I don’t belong or having a schedule that isn’t nearly as flexible finds me turning down invitations each week since many things tend to get scheduled during the week when people don’t have North American clients to think about.

So the thought had begun to creep in about exploring a little further south in search of sun, warmer winters and a bit better proximity but at the same time, I love my home, I love my view, I love the friends that I have here and the peaceful life that I have found myself in. Well these thoughts are exactly what has allowed that little voice to creep in and manipulate me into waiting.

It will say things like, some of your friends are talking about other places why don’t you wait and see where they go and perhaps you can go there too that way you have built in community. It sounds like a perfectly reasonable approach until you are faced with the fact that what your friends might choose isn’t at all what you might choose.

Then you are faced with the knowing that they would absolutely choose what is right for them and you have to question why you aren’t doing the same. And there, in that moment, you face the fear, disguised as thoughtfulness and know that if you continue to wait you will guarantee that you will be disappointed because while you are waiting your life is moving on.

At this point I don’t know if or when I might move but I am opening myself to the process of discovery, exploring the rest of Provence and the process of examining my almost two years in France to revisit what I learned about my needs, wants, desires and learning during that time to update my search criteria to be more well rounded and informed but this time my explorations will be from my current home base. Exploring while I have a solid foundation rather than nomadically landing in a place and not fully being able to arrive in that please because I know that in a months time I would move on, while that method taught me a lot in many ways it never really allowed me to land and build connection to a place in the way I feel like I need to in order to know that I am meant to go all in and move again. But at least for now, I am no longer waiting but I am in active exploration.

These are the questions that I am currently sitting with in my journal, they are my current healing work, perhaps they may be the same for you.

• Where in your life are you waiting right now - and is that waiting serving you or protecting you from fear or disappointment?
• What is the perfect condition you keep telling yourself you need before you can begin - and is that condition ever actually going to arrive?
• What is one small act you could take this week - not a leap, just one small step - that moves you toward the life you want rather than away from the fear of disappointment?

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In love,
Renee