Every Year these weeks are the hardest
Every year these weeks are the hardest, it starts in late May with the anniversary of mine and Todd’s wedding anniversary and then 10 days later his birthday and then the hardest days of them all the anniversary of his actual death and the anniversary of when we all became aware of what happened and we found him. Thankfully that span was just two days but each year as these days pass and I find myself in the memory of them in particular in those two unknowing days. I find myself filled raw with grief, my mind thinking back to those days, wondering if I would have been able to do something. If I had taken the mail over that day like I had started to do and then remembering the feeling that I had gotten that it could wait, why that feeling had dropped in so clearly. We were going to a ballgame in 3 days time surely it could wait until then.
It is strange to me how I felt so directed not to go. I try to look at that feeling as a gift that likely saved me from being the person who would have found him, a site that could not be unseen which I am grateful to have been saved from since the vision in my head is bad enough to live with.
Each year I wish and hope for these 2 days to pass quickly, that I can stay busy, just get through them, to have them be over because the memory is so hard to hold and yet at the same time there is love too.
The other day, the day before this two day period began I was working at my desk and suddenly the smell of his favorite cologne dropped in, the room filled with it, he was here, he was with me, he didn’t say anything it felt more like a hug created by the smell. This occurred twice that day, two embraces in his smell that filled me with love, with care and with support. He knew these next two days would be hard and he was with me.
Being ready to move on, to have another relationship doesn’t make these days go away, I hope one day that these days are easier but I also know that it is possible that they will always be this hard, and their difficulty is nothing more than a confirmation of the love that did and still does exist. I will never be who I was before these days three years ago that version of me is long gone washed away in tears but who has emerged is someone that I am really proud of. The life I have built here, the friends that I have, my writing, my creative and spiritual work coming to life and a future full of possibility, adventure and filled with love.
As I sit here writing on the terrace enjoying the birds singing, the butterflies and the buzz of the bees in the freshly blooming lavender, I hold the heaviness in my heart of these hours and at the same time I have ventured to ask why? What is my lesson in this experience? Why did it have to happen in this way?
And while there are no good answers to these questions what does emerge from them is that these days are a reminder of a powerful love, they are a reminder of my own capacity to love, they are a reminder that through the loss and the grief comes a strength that is enduring.
Todd had his journey and his struggle and for a very long time I thought and hoped that I would be enough to help him through it, to love him enough to break out of that struggle. I have long since learned that you can’t love someone enough to get them to love themselves, they must come to this on their own and sometimes spirit takes them to do the work in a different way if they struggle to do it here. I know he is at peace, I know he is no longer in a struggle and for that I am grateful.
These are the questions that I am currently sitting with in my journal, they are my current healing work, perhaps they may be the same for you.
- Where in your life are you struggling? Do you judge yourself for it? Can you love yourself in spite of the struggle?
- Where in your life do you find it difficult to just be present with yourself? This may be a key to an area that you want to work on.
- Is there anyone in your life that you want to tell them that you love them just because today, you still can? Do it, don’t wait.
Subscribe & Share
If you enjoyed this blog post and would like it delivered to your inbox when it comes out, please subscribe. If you know someone who would benefit from reading it, I would appreciate it if you would pass it along.
In love,
Renee
